September 01,
2008 was the most memorable date I would never forget. This was the date that I
surrendered my life to God and put a stop to a six-year relationship to a guy. It was indeed a very warming, satisfying, and a blissful day of my
entire life. I felt God’s presence and believed that I pleased God. All things
were so good and everything was so fine. Until, I fell in love again to with a same
sex.
God had been
providing me a way to escape but I took another way. My love for him grew
deeper and deeper that I could no longer stop myself from lusting with him. I
tried to justify myself that there is nothing wrong to love with a same sex. I just could
not stop myself. I was just following my heart. But the more I followed my
heart, the more I was imprisoned to sin. I did not just love wrongfully, but I also did more sins. I became addicted to pornography, went to massage parlor
for extra services, and hanging-out with people who did lustful acts. The more
I kept putting myself following my heart, the more I became blind to the truth.
Surely, Jeremiah is right when he said, “the heart is deceitful above all
things and beyond cure (17:9).”
My life was a total mess. The guy I fell in love with did not know that I loved him so much. He was always there for me. He always treated me as a friend but I took his treatment in another way. I misinterpreted his goodness towards me that I made a monster within me that wanted to devour anyone/anything that he liked. My world really revolved around him that I almost forgot my first love, that is, Jesus Christ.
Life without
God is a total mess. I can be so happy. I can laugh all I want, but at the end
of the day, I was lonely, empty, and depressed. I always missed the day when I
encountered God. I loved to be with Him again but it was so hard for me to do
it. I was afraid that when I go back to God everything will be changed. I have
to forget my feeling towards this guy, leave all my sins behind, and stop doing
things that made me happy.
I totally messed up. I rejected God. I stopped going to church, reading the Bible, and praying to Him. I tried to think that there was no God at all or maybe He was there but He did not care. So this backsliding lasted for more than four years. Despite my unfaithfulness towards Him, He is always faithful to me. He gives me blessings upon blessings but all these blessings could not satisfy my emptiness. So I tried to find another way to satisfy myself.
April of 2015
when I received a message from a friend. This friend had always wanted to talk
to me but he had no guts yet to do it until God had been putting a burden in
his heart to say to me to let go of the things that hindered me of my spiritual
growth. First, I tried to ignore his message because I thought that I already
knew what I was doing. But as a sign of respect I replied to his message. His
messages in all honesty impacted me big time, but I just ignored it. Three days
after when I woke up from my bed, there was a pain in my heart that needed to
be remedied. Then a small voice spoke to me and said, “Are you really happy
now?” I just did not know but I prayed and said, “Lord, I am a total mess. I
always reject you but you never reject me. So right now, I will surrender my
life to You. I will submit myself to Your authority once again and please take full
control of me.” Well, as I was praying those prayer I did not feel anything.
But something has changed in me.
Weeks after I
surrendered my life to Jesus, the guy I fell in love with admitted to me that
he loves someone. So I tried all my best to fight for him but everything was in
vain. He really loves her and the girl loves him too. So I was so in pain. I
was in hurt that I even attempted to jump from the skywalk to stop the pain I
felt. But a voice stopped me and said, “Yam, you already know that all these
things will happen. There is always pain in offering yourself to Me. Fear not,
for I am your God. Trust me.”
Right now, I
am still in hurt but I know God is in control. I should not make everything in
a rush. God heals and He delivers. He
took first the primary source of my lust and I am very thankful that He is very
faithful and He loves me so much that He does not want me to love someone
greater than Him. He forgives me of all my sins and He remembered my sins no more. There
is now joy deep within me. The joy of my salvation has been restored. Yes, God
calls us to live a holy life but we can never be holy unless we have Jesus Christ. John
Piper said, “When God gets the glory, we get the joy.” JESUS himself is our
ultimate joy.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within
me, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ
Jesus returns.” (Philippians 1:6)
